Originally Posted by Teatime FatCat

Oh come now FF - that's all a little far-fetched! This is a little more likely I think -


1) During a furious piece of foot-movement, Tresco stabs himself with his spikes. His foot goes gangrenous, has to be removed, and he becomes a far better batsmen with one leg - often hopping up the pitch to thwack spinners over the top.

2) Vaughan scores century after century whilst keeping his hair immaculate, and becomes the new face of Brylcreem

3) Butch decides to concentrate on his music and makes a groundbreaking concept album with Dizzee Rascal

4) Nass grinds his way doggedly through the series, then retires stating he'd rather have played for India

5) Nothing interesting or controversial happens to Thorpey at all (which is a good thing)

6) After seeing the 27th catch dropped off his bowling, Freddie finally snaps and announces that he wishes Butcher would "p**s off and play with his bloody guitar" (see above)

7) Geraint Jones offers to duel with Chris Read on Hampstead Heath for the 'keepers place

8) Ashley Giles is treated for shock after repeatedly beating the bat of NZ's number 11. His treatment consists of sweet milky tea and digestive biscuits, suitably energised he still fails to take a wicket.

9) Hoggy swings it absolutely everywhere and receives huge media attention, he reverts to his skinhead haircut which was 'such a hit with the ladies'

10) Simon Jones is criticised by the management for too much weight training and not enough netting. He responds by getting 'a bit miffed' and taking 9-3. afterward, he buffs himself with baby oil on the England balcony.

11) Harmy continues to bomb batsmen, and adds sledging to his repertoir. Unfortunately as they are in a Geordie dialect, nobody understands them and he resorts to using prompt cards, which affects his run-up.