I have absolutely no idea what my purpose in life is. I never have done, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will. I tend to bounce around stuff, never quite fully committing or understanding. I don't have a trade, I don't have a lot of money and I am not a fiercely driven man. Beer, Pasta and Biscuits make me happy, but as I have recently been diagnosed as diabetic I can't really indulge in much of those any more.

I suppose my purpose in life is to care and provide for my girlfriend (the long suffering Nurse Betty) and our two little girls, to make sure both of our parents are comfortable in their dotage and to exchange help with my mates as and when we need it.

I am a man of limited intelligence and ambition, and tend to walk about with a bemused air, hoping one day that the call from Duncan Fletcher will come. I've never been arrested or committed a (major) act of vandalism, and have rarely made anyone cry - but often make them laugh (sometimes not intentionally). However Zainub, I firmly believe that one day a task will come into my life, I shall achieve it - and all will be well.

Perhaps having a cup of tea and a biscuit, whilst waiting for that fateful day to come is my purpose in life?

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I'll have the Mouseburger please, with a side of Goldfish.