Pak Diary 4th Test, Oval

As childish as the title of my article seems, it is in this very spirit that things unfolded at the oval on the fourth day of the last test between Pak and England at the Oval. Let me introduce to you the characters to help you understand a bit more of what happened.

Scene 1 Act 1; it is now precisely 2:30 pm on the fourth day of this test match as Mr Darryl Hair steps up to the plate… or rather steps off it and goes sauntering over to his 2nd in command Mr Billy Doctrove for a little chat on the condition of the ball. Seems like the ball was-in Mr Hair's opinion, swinging more that he thought it should - given the prevailing conditions. Of course at times it appears to Mr Hair that the ace spin bowler of the world Murlitharan has, in his words, “a diabolical action”, and that the Pakistani player’s collective appealing does seem like a bunch of monkeys hopping up and down screaming to their own delight. He then signals to the pavilion and to the glee of Kevin Peterson, another official looking official; is there any other kind in England? Appears with a box full of 53 other bowls to choose from. Ball tampering is the allegation.

Scene 1 Act 2; in comes the turtle Inzimamul Haq; the great cricketing captain of Pakistan… swinging in his slow gait up to Hair. Curious, being slow and deliberate so that he is involved with what exactly is going on. Upon realizing what is occurring he swings his giant head in Hair's direction and bleats out in broken English, not pleased at what he believes is an uncalled for decision. As he has since remarked upon in his later interviews, Mr Hair ignores Inzi's explanation, probably because it did not make any sense to him in the first place. I myself although a native countryman of Inzimam fail to make sense of his English 70% of the time.

Scene 1 Act 3; the ball is replaced, and Mr Hair pats his own left shoulder, not in admiration of himself, although I am dead sure he is his own biggest fan, but to signal 5 runs being added to England’s total. Performing the role of judge, jury and executioner in all of 10 minutes as to weather or not Pakistan has tampered with the ball. The match goes on till tea and the last thing, cricket wise, anyone remembers is Kevin Peterson falling yet again on the cusp of a brilliant century. Imploding and trudging back, cursing the entire linage of his chief tormentor: Faisal Iqbal, and his own bad luck.

Scene 2 Act 1; the teams both enjoy their collective, ‘cuppa’, and the umpires trudge out…after standing in the middle for about 10 minutes they realize “Hang on the Pak team ain’t budging!!!” Pandemonium then ensues and most of us know what happened next. Amongst the slamming of doors as people go in and out and the umpires then returning to the middle, removing the bails amid Nasser Hussain’s paranoid screams of who is in charge. Just who is in charge here? We all came to the same conclusion, what a disaster.

What’s been going on since then is anybody’s guess. The sky team of commentators, after more hysterical outbursts from Nasser Hussain and more nodding from Ramiz Raja (what else does he do but agree) and Botham's enlightenment as to what honour is to Pakistanis, and how they will defend it to their deaths and all. There is little official word from the ostrich in question here… the bumbling organization which ruled on this bumbling day, headquartered in Dubai, the men in white, the ICC.

Predictably the media, the fans and the officials plus past players of the two cricketing nations involved have all gone absolutely balmy in speculating. Some going as far as to say how the deafening reverberations of this incident will echo on into cricketing history or something. From Imran Khan to Shahid Afridi to Zaheer Abbas and Botham. Even Atherton and Steve Waugh have weighed in with their expert analysis on the matter. Even though about 3 out of the four names mentioned have been accused and 2 convicted of scuffing the pitch and the ball respectively. The ostrich with its head in the sand as always, the ICC at the sign of any panic or impending crises is silent. Inzimam is to appear on Monday for a trial, the media blitz of which will apparently over shadow the trial of Saddam Hussain- allegedly the mass murderer of thousands, but hey what the Pakistan team did is just not cricket… right mate?

I have absolutely no clue what is going to happen, and reading so many differing view-points with all manner of speculation thrown in has tampered with my head. Will Inzi be banned? Heck some people are saying Pak should be banned. Others have reported on how Fletcher tried to influence things. It just seems to me that we have reduced this noble sport we call cricket to a mere joke, and a bad one at that, since there is apparently no evidence from 30 different cameras, we have Hair’s word against Inzi’s and that’s about it. If we can judge punitive punishments based on that then things have reached pathetic levels in the annals of this sport. I think that aside from bans, lost revenue and sulking, nothing more is going to come out of this. What should come out however is a case for major reform of the bumbling Ostrich (oops I mean the ICC). This organization needs a shake-up bad. They have exhibited IMO a lack of sense and control not just at the oval recently but more so in the recent past, i.e. ordering England to play in Zimbabwe etc. We need men who can guide this sport into greatness, not make it look like a farce and theatre for conspiracies.