You guy's will like this.

[Beny]

Columnists | Cricket



Now just ask an Aussie how to spell s-t-u-f-f-e-d

A cricket news blackout in Oz

Dave Podmore
Saturday September 25, 2004
The Guardian

Sometimes you have to put your hand up to take your hat off. So Pod is very happy to salute one of the most professional and clinically executed victories in recent times. I'm referring of course to Queensland's magnificent win over Easter Island in the Pan-Pacific Spelling Championships, reports of which virtually filled up the Sydney Morning Herald's sports supplement on Wednesday (page 48 was devoted to the dwarf-throwing results).

I especially enjoyed their star columnist Fitz's graphic account of the nail-biting "Mississippi" tie-breaker.

Personally, Pod would have set the Queensland team a word that was a real stretch, like "lose" or "mauling" or "humiliation". Which is what the rest of the world, plus 170 actual spectators in windcheaters and raincoats, witnessed at Edgbaston.

Readers of the Guardian International Weekly in the southern hemisphere, who may not have heard this because of the news blackout down there, should know we stuffed the Aussies so heartily that no doubt Mr Blair's wonderful government is now rushing through a bill outlawing one-day cricket as a barbaric sport.

Let's face it, the boys from the home of the wild budgerigar didn't get within a country mile of England's performance, not even when Freddie Flintoff gifted them his wicket. Sir Fredsworth's mind was probably occupied with an acceptance speech this week for his Player of the Year Award, his Nobel prize and his Emmy for best series. Talking of Six Feet Under, Australia seem to be headed straight down the dunny right now, and as I watched the sorry spectacle unfold Dave Podmore found himself asking, is this the same side that only a week ago scraped home against the USA? I was there as a guest of Anybet ("Anysport, Anytime, Anywhere") opening their new online gambling village, and I'm happy to report that both UKIP and the Countryside Alliance are now 200 quid better off as a result of my charity spread bet. I successfully surmised that Darren Lehmann had got his body mass index up to 99.94, as a mark of respect to David Boon's beer-drinking record.





So at least Ricky's Roos are still competitive in one arena. But it's next year's Ashes series that counts, and after the events in Birmingham it comes as no great surprise to hear that the Aussies are now threatening to pull out of the tour unless the live TV rights are granted exclusively to BBC3, with a highlights package on E4 during the breaks in the World Cinema slot.





Were it not for my feelings of national loyalty and the fact that I haven't been asked, Pod would be very tempted to put on his motivational hat and try and restore some pride in the Aussie camp, with particular responsibility for reviving the career of Glenn McGrath, a demoralised husk of an international cricketer.

My theory is, Pidge's chronic loss of form dates back to him agreeing to play for Middlesex in the summer. Apparently he'd got the wrong end of the stick about St John's Wood. It isn't that kind of wood, mate, you can't go pig-hunting in it.

That must have been embarrassing for the guy to have to explain to his fellow-lovers of the noble sport, Matty Hayden and Andrew Symonds (who described the rules in Wisden recently: "First we set the dogs on them, then we go in with knives."). Though a look at Time Out magazine would have told them there were plenty of endangered species around the corner at Regent's Park Zoo just sitting there asking for it. Not to mention other wildlife in serious need of a cull after dark on Hampstead Heath.

Right now I'm too busy to help drag Ponting's Parakeets off the bottom of the world rankings. Since Brian Clough went up to the great ITV Panel in the Sky this week, I'm in the frame to be the next Mister East Midlands, charged with putting the region on the map in a positive light. And arranging twinning ceremonies with French villages with agreeable vineyards.

Actually it's not the first time I've stepped into Brian's shoes - it happened one night, literally, after a good session at the trattoria by Trent Bridge with Notts and Windies legend Sir Garry Sobers. Clough and Sobers at the same table - what a photo-opportunity! Dave Podmore will be telling Christopher Douglas and Andrew Nickolds to turn their mobile phones off when he appears this Christmas in Mother Goose. </FONT>