DCI Barnaby "So Mr Vaughan, it is time to admit it, you have spent the last year getting rid of your close rivals, with your co-conspirator Big Dunc, just fill us in on a few more details - when did it start"

MPV "It started just after the Ashes, during the celebration. I realised I had three main rivals for the job, despite my success. Trescothick, Flintoff and the up and coming Strauss.

Trescothick was easy, we were room mates, and good friends, I just started moving bits of his kit around while he wasn't looking, it started to freak him out. While he was a asleep, I used to play a tape in the room which just said "You can't cut it at this level" on a loop.

I would write little notes in his books that would say "your not very good". He began to get all jumpy. Then when I had my knee problems in India, he cracked and went home....

Flintoff was harder, I was certain he would mess up in India, but he only went on to win a game!! As a national hero I knew a long term strategy was needed. But luckily he broke down too and that Strauss bloke took over. Three wins against Pakistan and with my injury still not clearing up, so I spoke to Big Dunc and my mate Grav and I persuaded them that Fred was the man for the Ashes if I wasn't fit.

I knew Fred had a potential drink problem, so I arranged for a few of the team (who were sympathetic) to take him out for a few drinks. I knew if he got on the sauce it would effect the way he played.

Meanwhile, to stop Strauss, I got hold of his kit bag and shaved an inch of all of his bats. Balls that would normally hit the bat would now get an edge. He kept knicking the ball to slip.

This is why I had to be in Oz, I claimed it was because I was getting fit, but I was secretly ensuring that Freddie was boozing, and that Strauss always had an inch smaller bat.

I persuaded Dunc that Read was as rubbish as ever (he didn't need much persuading though) but when he was dropped, and the press complained, he was to make it look like Fred had done it. Meanwhile, I would phone Fred up and just ask him how his mate Jones was feeling after being dropped? Fred took the bait and decided he was going "to help his little mate out, as he was still feeling a bit down". Candy to a baby!!

In the meantime, I would give the Aussies the plans England had for them. One time though I got caught out and the information got into the press, Hoggy joked about stringing the bloke up by his "Dang Dollies". Luckily they didn't find out it was me. The sad thing was that when I did read the plans, they were a pile of "Dang Dollies". All this played into my favour.

Strauss was shot, and Flintoff defeated. We got Stauss dropped from the team on "form". But Flintoff was still breathing down my neck. So I got our resident drunk Plunkett to take him and a few other boys out, including potential rival Bell, for a little drink after the Kiwi game. I had challenged Fred to a Pedalo race the next day. I then went and turned up the heating in his room.

I knew he wouldn't be able to resist the lure of some extra practice, despite being drunk as a skunk, restless in his room he headed down. Before we knew it bingo, the News of the World journalist, who I had tipped off earlier had his story.

Me and Dunc sat down the next day, the plan had worked, I was now secure in my role. I had defeated all my rivals, I was now Captain of the England Cricket team!!"

DCI Barnaby "Thanks Michael, but did it never occur to you that you were always the Captain??"

Excellent!!!

Yes excellent - and accurate with it .

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Ern

Yes, very good. I wonder if anyone out there thinks its true ?

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Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!

Ern probably does as it did bad things to Flintoff.

Yup, that's not bad that. I'd mention it to a friend of mine who "stars" in the show, but I don't think she'd understand.

It does make me think that you could do a very good Borgias style spoof, or an Imperial Roman spoof or best of all (and I'm not pulling your leg too hard flanflinger) - having read that Sir Jeffrey Archer (a modern day Barabus - if ever) was writing a gospel according to Judas Iscariot - well, needless to say, but I will... there must be a spoof there.

It is, though, a very good spoof. Probably too good for Midsommer Murders. Perhaps Poirot? I realise that the line is fine.

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Red-it, Red-it, Read it and wept

DCI Barnaby, on his way home after the MPV interview: "Oh, there you are Mr Collingwood, we were wondering where you had got to?"

PC: "Er...I was getting some last minute practice at the nets"

DCI: "What, in the middle of the night? By the way what's that spade doing in your hand?"

PC: "Someone said that digging potholes is a good exercise to keep fit and I thought I'd give it a go. Now, if you'll excuse me...."

Excellent flanflinger. Now could you do one on Read starring Hussain, Graveney, Fletcher, Vaughan, Flintoff, Jones and Nixon.