You must be joking!!!

[Lemming]

Originally Posted by Lemming

...everyone should avoid jokes that may cause offence to others viewing the forum...

That's for you Mongoose. You know i'm partial to a little bit of Man Utd and you know that writing jokes about Man Utd would offend me. They weren't even that funny, that was even more offensive!

Right that's it, you're banned from the thread!!! (Can I do that???)

[Mongoose]

Originally Posted by Lemming

That's for you Mongoose. You know i'm partial to a little bit of Man Utd and you know that writing jokes about Man Utd would offend me. They weren't even that funny, that was even more offensive!

Ooooh, do I sound like Bernard Manning?
You can't ban a man of my calibre, wit and humour from a thread like this one. I'm a walking bag of laughter, I put the 'c' in 'chuckle', I've even been known to make people laugh in France (and the French gave up laughing at Englishmen a LONG time ago, about 1415 if memory serves me right). You won't catch any of my jokes in a Christmas cracker!

[Lemming]

Get lost Mongoose. If you want to tell crap jokes, start your own thread! It won't even get near to rivalling mine!

[Andy Mellon]

Originally Posted by Mongoose

I put the 'c' in 'chuckle',

Or do you mean that you put the 'c' in chucklevision/chuckle brothers?

[Oliver]

Originally Posted by Mongoose

... everyone knows it's Frank Lampard!'

and I thought it was rather funny.

[Mongoose]

Originally Posted by Andy Mellon

Or do you mean that you put the 'c' in chucklevision/chuckle brothers?

I'd accept that too. Nothing wrong with the silly boys with silly moustaches. I once saw a brilliant scene where they 'proved' using different sized maps that Australia was once attached to the north east of Scotland.. Admittedly, it is the only really funny thing they've done, but that's partly the appeal. As Peter Kay said about Bullseye 'It were ******, but it were good'.

Peter Kay, now there's a man with a joke up his sleeve ...

[Lemming]

Originally Posted by Andy Mellon

Or do you mean that you [Mongoose] put the 'c' in chucklevision/chuckle brothers?

Actually come to think of it I reckon he did! Take it from me he looks like Barry out of the Chucklebrothers minus the beard.

To me! To You! To me! To You! To me! To You! To me! To You!

[Oliver]

Originally Posted by Lemming

To me! To You! To me! To You! To me! To You! To me! To You!

I know that I'm 43 (and therefore a bit old!!! ) but I'm very pleased to say, that I haven't got the faintest idea what you're on about.

Are they anything to do with the Cheeky Girls?

[Mongoose]

A farmer comes out to inspect his herd of cows one morning, to find them all petrified. They're frozen to the spot, cold, unmoving, and nothing he tries will bring them out of the trance. He starts to panic, as he faces financial ruin if he loses the herd. Just then, one of the farm workers tells him of someone who he thinks will be able to help, a woman from a few villages away.

The farmer phones the number, and hald an hour later an old woman is standing in the yard, staring at the cows inquisitively. After asking the farmer a few basic questions about the cows' health, she goes up to them. She puts he head by the ear of a cow and whispers to it, stroking its back while going so. Gradually, animation returns to the beast. Its ears start twitching, its eyes blink, and in a couple of minutes it is happily walking around the yard as if nothing has happened. The old lady repeats the treatment until every single cow is back to normal.

The farmer is overcome with gratitude, and says to the old woman 'Thanks so much. Look, whatever you want, I'll do it in payment. You've saved my farm. What do you want?'

'Oh, £100 will do, squire' says the old lady. ''I'll take cash or a cheque'.

The farmer gets his chequebook out. 'And who do I make the cheque out to?'

The lady answers 'Thora Hird'.


(OK, it works better when spoken, but think about it. I was reminded of it when I mentioned Peter Kay - the bit where Brian Potter is stuck in the stairlift and says, 'Come on Brian, think. What would Thora Hird do?')

[Mongoose]

Originally Posted by Oliver

I know that I'm 43 (and therefore a bit old!!! ) but I'm very pleased to say, that I haven't got the faintest idea what you're on about.

Are they anything to do with the Cheeky Girls?

You're not missing much! And no, they're nothing to do with the Cheeky Girls, although they do rival them in terms of quality.