You must be joking!!!

[Oliver]

Originally Posted by Lemming

Ooops, wrong joke!! ...I got confused!

The actual punch-line is: "Don't start anything!"

Aha. Thought there was something wrong. That is a joke.

Jolly well done and all that.

Don't give up the day job.

[Lemming]

I had a massive argument with my wife today. Massive it was, she was really, really angry with me!

"Why?", I hear you ask!

Well, she was really bloody angry with me all because I didn't open the car door for her!

But, to be honest! I didn't mean not to. I just panicked and swam for the surface!

[Lemming]

My old grandad was an Elvis Presley inpersonator!

"That's cool!" you may say. "Was he any good at it? Did he make alot of money?"

Well, he was really good at it, one of the best I'd say. Unfortunately he didn't make much money out of it though. There wasn't much call for Elvis inpersonators in 1936!

[Lemming]

The French know nothing about music, we know that. We've all seen their crap pop records!

But when I went to France I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. They failed though unfortunately. Everywhere I went, every shop I went into the French people thought I was the co-writer of one of the best-selling singles ever, when I look nothing like him or sound nothing like him at all.

Yeah, that's right, everybody kept saying to me when they saw me: "Bonjour, Midge Ure".

[Oliver]

Originally Posted by Lemming

"Why?" I hear you ask!

Perhaps you could save up some your humour to use in the next caption competition... tends to be around this time of year when Mystic Richie supplies one or two interesting sporting photos that are crying out for captions.

I guess you could find some examples we prepared earlier, if you wandered back into the Members & Guests Lounge archive (if there is such a thing?)

But don't, whatever you do, use up all that wit now. Please.

[Lemming]

I've been Lemming! You've been the best audience ever! Thank you and goodnight!

[Mongoose]

Not jokes as such, but ...

The following are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

[Oliver]

Originally Posted by Mongoose

Not jokes as such, but ...

Yes I'd seen a few of those before... some quite good ones...

I like these:

Subject: The Monterey Herald Sun's 25 Best Headlines of 2001



1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. LocalHigh School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout counter.

25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Oliver]

And I particularly like this... even if it isn't a joke and is in fact a true accident report:

Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.



I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Block 6 of the report. Slowed, on slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel fell out spilling the bricks. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rather rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel on its way up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles, broken teeth and severe lacerations to my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only cracked three vertebrae. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains my two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Zainub]

I'm only good at listening jokes. And laughing at them.