You must be joking!!!

[Lemming]

Are there any budding stand-ups out there? This thread has been set-up so that you guys can tell everybody else a few jokes. I'm pretty terrible at remembering jokes and so I thought I'd ask if anyone has any good ones to share with the forum?

(I should probably state the obvious that everyone should avoid jokes that may cause offence to others viewing the forum, although the forum does already have a very good, clear policy on offensive posts!)

[Andy Mellon]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog!

Hmmm. I think I'll stick to the cricket chat!

[Maranello]

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

[Maranello]

From The Spin, 16 September 2003

The Americans'understanding of cricket has always hovered between the deeply flawed and the utterly non-existent, and a recent article in a Houston newspaper helped explain why. Now we aren't about to get all sniffy about the Yanks' inability to grasp the fundamentals of the lbw law - it's hardly their fault they were born there - but in a part of the country which, according to the piece, contains over 50,000 ex-pats from cricketing lands, you would have thought someone would have lent the reporter a hand.

"Cricket is somewhat similar to baseball," explains the journalist Carlos Aguilar. "You have a bat, but it looks like a thick paddle - flat on one side and rounded on the other. There's a pitcher, but he runs at the batter, or batsman, bouncing the ball only once in front of the hitter, who strikes at the ball. If he hits it in play, he runs straight ahead to the opposite batting box, where a teammate then runs back and scores. They can run back and forth several times, scoring more than once before the ball is thrown back. The fielders are spread out, waiting to toss the ball back to hit the wicket to knock down the wooden pegs, or stamps, which produces an out." "In fact," writes Aguilar solemnly, "cricket came before baseball." "Although there isn't much contact and the play is not as fast as other popular sports, there are some injuries and disputes over rules," he explains, in what can only be a cunning allusion to Bodyline and Dennis Lillee's aluminium bat. "In cricket, the runs scored can be from 50-300 before a winner is determined, so the hits during batting are numerous."

If the land of the free was confused before, heaven help it now. Houston, we have a serious problem.

[Maranello]

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China in 2002.


HU'S ON FIRST

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?


Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.


George: Great. Lay it on me.


Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.


George: That's what I want to know.


Condi: That's what I'm telling you.


George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?


Condi: Yes.


George: I mean the fellow's name.


Condi: Hu.


George: The guy in China.


Condi: Hu.


George: The new leader of China.


Condi: Hu.


George: The Chinaman!


Condi: Hu is leading China.


George: Now whaddya' asking me for?


Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.


George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?


Condi: That's the man's name.


George: That's who's name?


Condi: Yes.


George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.


Condi: That's correct.


George: Then who is in China?


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Yassir is in China?


Condi: No, sir.


George: Then who is?


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Yassir?


Condi: No, sir.


George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.


Condi: Kofi?


George: No, thanks.


Condi: You want Kofi?


George: No.


Condi: You don't want Kofi.


George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.


Condi: Kofi?


George: Milk! Will you please make the call?


Condi: And call who?


George: Who is the guy at the U.N?


Condi: Hu is the guy in China.


George: Will you stay out of China?!


Condi: Yes, sir.


George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.


Condi: Kofi.


George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.


Condi: (on the phone) Hello. Rice here, in the Oval Office


George: Rice? oh good. Make mine with chilly and gravy.

[Lemming]

It was a good one that Maranello, but I can't believe you could be bothered to write it all out? Did you cut and paste it? Or have you got it etched to your memory?

[Maranello]

They are all a copy + paste job from the "jokes" sub-folder in my email, I am afraid!

[Richie Benauds Love Child]

Very good maranello, reminds me of blazing saddles

Meeting is adjourned ?

It is ?

No you say that .

What ?

Meeting is adjourned.

It is ?

No you say that.

What ?

Etc etc .......

[Paoli]

Bit of an AFL Joke which can be replaced with other sports, I guess. In AFL, Collingwood is recognised as having the most "Scummy" supporters.

Three blokes walk into a bar. A Moron, A Collingwood Supporter, and A Dole Bludger. And that was just the first bloke.

OR

Four guys were walking down a street, looking at $100 in the gutter. A unicorn, a griffin, a drunk and an intelligent Collingwood supporter. Who got the money?

A: The drunk- the other three are fictitious characters.

[Mongoose]

Alex Ferguson wants to get Man Utd back on top in English football. So he goes to watch Chelsea training. He knows Mourinho respects him, so he asks 'Jose, how do you get your players ready so quickly at the start of the season'.
Mourinho answers 'Football is in the mind. I ask my players questions to keep them thinking. Watch'. And he calls over Frank Lampard. 'Frank, if it's not your brother, but it's your father's son, who is it?'.
Frank says 'The answer is 'me', boss'. And off he goes.
Fergie is well impressed, and decides to try it on his own squad. At pre-season training, he calls Wayne Rooney over. 'Wayne, if it's not your brother, but it's your father's son, who is it?'.
Rooney pauses, before saying 'It's a tough one, can I think about it?'
'Sure Wayne. Tell me the answer tomorrow'.
Rooney goes home, turning the question over and and over in his mind. But still the answer won't come. So he phones Gary Neville, thinking that Gary's a bright lad and might be able to help. 'Gary, it's Wayne. Boss has asked me something, and I don't know the answer. The question is, if it's not your brother, but it's your father's son, who is it?'.
Gary says immediately 'The answer is 'me'.
'Thanks' says Rooney, and goes to bed a happy man. Next day at training, he goes up to Fergie and tells him 'I've thought about it, and I've got the answer now. It's Gary Neville, isn't it boss?'
Fergie looks at the ground, tutting and shaking his head. 'Wayne ... Wayne ... don't be so stupid ... everyone knows it's Frank Lampard!'